Thread:Quickrydina/@comment-4919485-20170414170102/@comment-4919485-20170607070911

I was thinking about y'all, these days. I got some regrets, I got some stuff I've learned, and I'm only now realizing I did. But's that not that important. I was just thinking about everyone we know - and one of the things I learned was to be more aware of the impact I have on people's lives. 'Cause I always got my finger on the trigger for the negative impact, but very rarely it occurs to me that I might actually have a positive impact on people (as we all do, on everyone we meet) that will make them want me in their lives, but more importantly, how easily I detach from that. And, obviously, people are gonna be fine without me, but I've become more attentive to the fact that just because they will EVENTUALLY be fine, doesn't mean it hurts less when I abruptly pull myself out of their lives. And it's unfair that just because I always got one foot out the door, I expect people to treat me exiting carelessly.

So, I look back not only on me leaving the group permanently, but also on the times I've gotten into fights with people, in which I didn't make it clear to them that I was angry and hurt or what about; I just chose to pull away and close off. And it would leave people with the feeling that I was just randomly abandoning them for reasons they couldn't reach. And, yeah, maybe I was hurt and wanted to pull away, but that didn't mean that people wanted me to go away, and maybe they wanted me to stay and work through it, instead. So, what motivated these thoughts and all were Zach and Emma. 'Cause the nature of our interactions made me think about this.

Like, with Zach, I think I got angry when I had the right to get angry, I don't regret that I got angry, 'cause my feelings are my feelings, but I think I shouldn't have stated his feelings for him. I shouldn't have assumed he cared so little (otherwise, why would he be doing what I thought he shouldn't have been?) that I could just turn my back dust him off like he never happened. And I didn't see, back then, that if I wanted space, telling him would have given me space in a more productive way, than to just force him out of my space. So I realize that being angry and hurt doesn't give me the right to assume the negative energy will wipe out the relationship, and it won't leave others feeling like they lost a friend/a close person.

As for Emma, I was thinking about this whole internet thing. Then I started to look at my physical life relationships. And I thought "well, what are friends? Friends are people you choose to be there with you for as long as you can. So, why would someone I met online, and have been interacting with daily for years and years, be any less of a friend than a person I'm physically with twice a week, with luck?" They wouldn't. None of you would. I was thinking about Josh too, but that's uh... And the reason I thought of that is because I started to miss people, and look back on my experiences and wish for that back, and feel emotions about it. So I thought "well, being over the internet did not prevent me from loving these people, even though internet relations are "supposed to be" superficial and not real." So, then, I started thinking that if I love these people, then, why could they not love me? And that's about everybody. But that's when I started to think about Emma, and all of our fights and blah blah blah. So I got into... Maybe I do understand now why it was hard for her when I left. 'Cause it wasn't just "there logs off the bitch... permanently", it was like "there's someone I care about, and we've spent the equivalent of High School together, and we're part of each other's essence, and now they're gone forever. Just like that."

So, this is not to be like "Oh, yeah! People love me", but rather about knowing that it wasn't casual, having you all and everybody else in my life. There was a purpose for each person. And it's about growing, really. And growing knowing that no matter where I go from here on, it meant something. It's not just gonna wash off because it was online, and it's not just gonna wash off because I ended this chapter of my life. And for the times I couldn't get to my "real" friends for a long time, even though I had them, and I felt like, because they were far away from me, I had no friends left, I've always had them. I had friends in numbers, and we were a group, and we had consistent meet ups, we had a myriad of personal stories and things that were our own. It was very real.

So this is kinda me closing off what I felt like was left open. I left, and I was happy with the way I left, and I got used to it, but lately I've come to feel like I ripped myself off before people were ready for me to leave, and this is me closing that door. This is me telling myself that, yes, I cut it off, but that's not because I was empty, I didn't leave because something was missing. I left because everyone had already flooded my heart and I had had enough of them to leave and still carry them with me, and not feel like they died off in some dark corner of my memory. And I truly hope that today, after all these months, every single one of you, if it matters, has had enough of me to be at peace with me not being there in presence, but being there in your hearts.

I apologize for the extended text, or how often I do these, but some letters (and some feelings) aren't always ready when it's convenient to put them out. Time is what allows them to come to our realization. Maybe seeing me complete will help someone else feel like it's all okay, even when I'm not there. And then they will allow me to see them complete, even when they won't be with me like they used to, and that will make me feel like it's all okay.

PS: If someone wants to know how my experience away from our environment has been since I left, till now, I'm happy to talk about it. 'Cause it's been a process.